


Regrets of the past.

by CristinaBlackthornKingson



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Big Sisters, Brother Feels, Brother-Sister Relationships, Brotherhood, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Bonding, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Cancer, Childbirth, Comfort, Disapproving Family, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Family Issues, Family Secrets, Gen, Infertility, Little Brothers, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Cancer, Miscarriage, Mother-Son Relationship, Motherhood, Multi, Other, Parent-Child Relationship, Parenthood, Past Drug Use, Pregnancy, Protective Parents, Scandal, Secret Relationship, Surrogacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:14:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27735928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CristinaBlackthornKingson/pseuds/CristinaBlackthornKingson
Summary: Princess Beatrice never thought she'd be the type to want children, for so long she was perfectly content being the cool and fun Aunty to her brothers' children. However when she meets the right person, after  causing an international scandal when their relationship is discovered, Bea realizes that she does want to be a parent, she sees the life Alex and Henry have with their children, and Philip and Martha and their kids, and knows she wants it for herself and her partner. However trying to have a child, it turns out, is nowhere near as simple as she thinks.
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, Beatrice Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor & Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, Martha Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor/Philip Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Regrets of the past.

**Author's Note:**

> ***TW/CW***  
> Miscarriage.  
> Drug use.  
> Drug addiction.   
> Infertility.   
> Physical health issues.   
> Mental health issues.   
> Racism.  
> Cancer.  
> Transphobia. 
> 
> The idea of having Bea fall in love with who she does, is inspired by @Rooster_crow and their awesome story 'If I Could Never Give You Peace.' (One of my favoriet RW&RB fics.) which you should definitely check out!

The Royal Family has faced many scandals over the years, from King Edward VIII marrying Wallis Simpson, Princess Catherine marrying an actor and getting pregnant out of wedlock, to Prince Henry coming out as gay and marrying not only another man, but The (at the time) First Son of The United States. 

So it comes as not much of a shock to anyone when in early 2022 another scandal rocks the Royal Family, this time caused by Princess Beatrice. When news broke that Princess Beatrice had caused a new scandal, many thought she had relapsed and was doing drugs again, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

The shocking news was that Princess Beatrice had been caught kissing her PPO, Jamie Sutabuhr. Turns out the two of them had been in a secret relationship for the past 4 months. 

Queen Mary was of course not at all pleased, for one thing Jamie is Asian, born and raised in Thailand, then they moved to the UK at 18 to start training as a Body Guard. It is no secret that Mary is a racist as well as a homophobic narcissist. The main reason Mary did not and does not approve of Jamie and Bea’s relationship is because Jamie is not a man, they are in fact a non-binary agender person. It is no surprise that The Queen is also transphobic as well as racist and homophobic, and she was not at all pleased either when Bea told her she is asexual and pan-romantic, and that though she feels forever about Jamie and vice versa, they’re not planning on getting married any time soon nor having children, not yet anyway. 

Aside from Mary, everyone else in Bea’s life was and is totally supportive of her and Jamie, so much like Henry and Alex did 2 years previously, they made their relationship official. Jamie was let go from their position as Bea’s PPO, but easily found another job. 

It’s been three years since then and Bea and Jamie are in a very committed, loving and happy relationship. They’ve lived together for the past 3 years and have plans to get married one day but it’s not at the forefront of their minds. One big thing that is on their minds though, is having children. Bea never thought she would want kids, but that slowly changed after she became an Aunty, first to Philip and Martha’s firstborn Edward, then their second baby George, then Henry and Alex’s eldest daughter Charlotte, then Philip and Martha’s third daughter Amelia/Millie, Henry and Alex’s second daughter Ana, Martha and Philip’s youngest child, little Andrew and finally Henry and Alex’s son, Arthur. 

After spending so much time with her nieces and nephews and getting to see her brothers love and enjoy parenthood, Bea knew in her heart she wanted to be a mum, and when she spoke to Jamie about it they agreed. 

Normally Jamie and Bea are not the kind of people to do anything in a strategic and planned way, they’re both really laid back and casual people, but when they decided to try for a baby last year, they decided to go all in right away, since Jamie has to come off hormones for a bit in order to conceive, and Beatrice has PCOS which could impact the length of time it takes them to conceive. 

At first they were patient, though eager, but the worry started to creep in around the six month mark when absolutely nothing was happening. They adjusted some things here and there after that and kept trying, but now after almost a year and a half with no results whatsoever, they both have decided to get checked out, Bea is aware that her past drug use could have affected her fertility, and Jamie’s HRT could have affected theirs.

That’s how Bea finds herself sitting in an endocrinologists office on this warm Spring day in 2025, totally unaware that she is about to receive some of the worst news of her life. 

“So.” The doctor begins in a calm tone. “Good news, from the tests I ran I was able to pinpoint the reason you are having trouble conceiving.” 

“You have? What is it, can you do anything to fix it?” Bea hopefully asks. 

“I’m afraid not, Beatrice I’m very sorry to have to tell you this but your egg quality is not at all what we would expect of a woman in her mid thirties, it’s not the worst I’ve seen but it’s certainly not the best.” Bea feels her heart begin to race and her mind begins to whirl as she tries to process this. 

“D-do you know why?” She asks in a tight tone. 

“Not for certain, no.” The doctor calmly tells her. 

“C-could all the cocaine I use to do have caused this?” Bea’s voice hitches in her throat. 

“It is a possibility, it is known that excessive cocaine use often leads to infertility.” Dr. Monroe gently explains. Bea feels like she’s been punched in the gut and the chest at the same time. This is her fault, entirely her own stupid fault. She wants to fucking murder her past self, go back in time and drag her away from that first line of coke she took at a party after her dad’s funeral. Her addiction has caused many other physical health problems, her fine motor skills are practically non-existent, she now suffers with chronic headaches, she’s lost a lot of her sense of smell, and has damaged her liver and kidneys. Now she’s finding out it has all but made her infertile, too. 

“So I can’t have a baby of my own?” Bea asks in a breathy tone. 

“It’s not impossible but the chances are low, my recommendation would be for you to look into egg donation or embryo adoption, if you want to carry your child. But if you want to try some IVF rounds with your own eggs we can do that too.” Bea knows she doesn’t need her baby to be biologically related to her to love them, not one bit, but it would be so fucking messy to have to use a donor, the kid wouldn’t be an heir then, the only one out of the 6 cousins, how traumatizing and unfair would that be on the little mite? 

Bea knows she needs to get out of here, she needs to talk to someone who will lent her rant and cry and who will then comfort her and assure her, make her see sense. She needs Henry. 

“I... have no idea what I want to do, I-I need to talk to Jamie about it. Can I call you or something to discuss options at a later point?” Bea asks. Doctor Monroe smiles softly and nods. 

“Of course, take all the time you need I’m always here if you need to talk.”

Bea thanks her, before hurrying back out to the car and asking her Equerry to take her to Kensington, where Henry and Alex are staying with their kids for the next two weeks, while they’re here visiting Henry’s side of the family. 

10 minutes later with tears blurring her vision, Bea makes her way through the halls of Kensington, looking in practically every room for her brother.

Finally after what feels like hours of searching, she finds him in the main drawing room, no Alex or kids to be seen. 

“Henry?” Bea tries to not let her upset seep into her tone, as she steps into the room. 

Henry looks up from his book and smiles at her, though the smile falters when he sees the look on her face. 

“Bea, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” He asks in a concerned tone, reaching out to grab her hand and pull her down onto the couch next to him. 

“I-I...” Bea begins, before stopping and breaking down unexpectedly into sobs. 

“Bea, oh Bea it’s okay.” Henry softly says, putting his arms around his sister and holding her close, his worry for her sky-rocketing. Hopefully nothing bad happened with her and Jamie. 

“I’m a fucking idiot!” Bea exclaims through sobs, which leaves Henry only further puzzled. 

“Why do you say that?” He gently asks. 

“B-because I did a fuck tone of coke all those years ago and now I can’t have a fucking baby!” she sobs into Henry’s shoulder. Henry pushes Bea’s hair back from her face and rubs her back soothingly, knowing she likes the stimulation. 

“So the doctors appointment didn’t go well then?” Henry gently asks. Bea shakes her head. 

“I’ve got shitty eggs because of the drugs and my best chances of getting pregnant are by using an egg donor, and you know I don’t care if the baby is mine biologically or not and neither does Jamie, but egg donation would be so fucking messy Henry! The baby wouldn’t be an heir like their cousins, the only one and that would be so fucking miserable and unfair on the poor thing, and the same goes for if we did embryo adoption.” Bea explains in a teary tone. 

“Well there are ways around that, if you do egg donation I could donate sperm so the baby would be an heir, then you and Jamie would just need to do some legal adoption paperwork like Alex did with our three, and the baby would both be yours legally as well as all the other ways, and they would be an heir, right where they would be anyway, after you.” 

“I can’t ask you to do that.” Bea sniffs, wiping at her tears with her sleeve, glad she had the sense to wear waterproof eyeliner today. 

“Why not? You offered to be Alex and I’s egg donor if he were the bio dad, before Sierra offered, I wouldn’t see the baby as mine, I know how amazing parenthood is after having 3 kids of my own, I would love to be able to help you be a parent.” Henry softly explains, squeezing Bea’s arm reassuringly. He hates seeing her like this and would do anything to help her. 

“I just... it wouldn’t feel right, raising my brother’s baby. I know it works for other people but it’s not right for Jamie and I. Thank you, though.” Bea says, laying her head on Henry’s shoulder. 

“You’re welcome. I’m sure there’s something else that can be done, surely there’s some sort of treatment out there you could try, even stuff that’s experimental or not well know of, you’re the fucking Princess of Wales you can get your hands on anything.” 

“Henry.” Bea quietly says. “Can I tell you something? Something I haven’t told anybody else before, except my therapist?” 

“Of course, you can tell me anything, god knows I’ve told you a billion secrets of mine over the years.” Henry assures her, squeezing her hand. Bea sits up and wipes at her tears again. 

“So... when I was 21, about 4 months into my addiction, I... I lost my period, which I knew could happen so I didn’t think anything of it. But then I was talking to someone at a nightclub, an old friend. I told her about loosing my period and she made a joke about making sure I wasn’t pregnant. That’s... that’s when I remembered I had a fling with some guy I’d been seeing for a while, a couple weeks before that. I went out and got a pregnancy test and... it came back positive almost right away.” Bea’s voice is shaky and full of pain.

“Oh my god.” Henry quietly says. He had not been expecting that. “What... what happened? Bea do I have a secret niece or nephew out there somewhere?” Bea laughs lightly and shakes her head. 

“I wanted to keep the baby, my memories are a bit fuzzy because of the coke, but I remember this overwhelming sense of love, I remember so clearly sitting upstairs in my bathroom looking at the test, and putting my hand over my stomach and thinking ‘I’m going to be a mum’. It felt so right, I knew it would take a lot and wouldn’t be easy but I thought maybe finding out she’s going to have a grandchild would help mum through her depression and she could help me.

I knew right away if the baby was a boy I was going to name him after dad, if it were a girl I was going to name her Katie, short for Catherine, after mum.

I stopped using then and there, it wasn’t easy by any means, but I wanted to do it for my baby. 

I was all set to tell you all and book in with an OB or midwife, when... when the pains started. 

Do you... do you remember the night you found me in my room, crying on the bathroom floor because of the pain, and I told you it was a really bad period and you and Shaan took me to the hospital, where I got my PCOS diagnoses?” Henry nods wordlessly, remembering the horror of finding Bea sobbing on her bathroom floor, clutching her stomach with her trousers stained with blood. She begged him to not to tell Philip, so not knowing what else to do or who else to turn to Henry ran and found Shaan, who he told everything. Shaan was as usual extremely calm and reassuring, he called ahead to the hospital and helped Bea off the floor and out to the car, not even caring when the seats got stained with blood. He stayed with Henry in the waiting room the whole time, then helped get Bea back home and tucked safely into bed. Henry will forever be grateful to him for that. 

“Well that wasn’t a bad period at all, it was a miscarriage, caused by the drugs.” Bea admits. Henry feels his own throat closing up, his heart breaking for Bea. He wishes he had known, so he could have comforted her, helped her through it in anyway he could. 

“Oh Bea.” Henry quietly says. “I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what that was like, I wish you had of told me so I could have helped you through it.” Bea shakes her head. 

“You’d been through enough, I already traumatized you when you found me like that that night, I wasn’t going to do it again. I came to terms with it a long time ago, through therapy. I planted a tree out the back here, in remembrance, and I light a candle every day in October, during pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. 

I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife but I do like to think that my baby is out there somewhere, with dad.” Bea says in a fond tone. She knows her dad would have loved his grandchild and been a wonderful grandpa, things would have been so much easier for she, Henry and Pip had their dad not died. Cancer is a real motherfucker. 

“Yeah that must be a big comfort. Does your doctor know about the miscarriage?” Henry asks. 

“Yeah, and I’m going to tell Jamie too, I want them to know, if things had worked out that baby would be their step-kid.” Bea tells him. 

“Things will work out this time though, you’re meant to a mum so I know you will be one, one way or the other, you’ll get to be a mum.” Henry softly assures her. 

“Thanks H, love you.” Bea quietly says. Henry grins. 

“Love you too big sister.” 

Bea spends another hour or so with Henry, they talk about her addiction, her miscarriage, her infertility, Henry’s anxiety, depression and trauma, their dad’s death, parenthood and so many other things. It’s exactly what Bea needs and gives her the energy to go home to Clarence House, and tell Jamie everything that went down today. 

When Bea steps into the drawing room she and Jamie use most of the time, her heart lifts when she sees Jamie standing at the stove frowning at a pot. 

“Please tell me you didn’t try to cook, you almost set the place on fire last time you tried to make toast, Jamie.” Bea teases, setting her bag down and taking off her coat, before joining her partner at the stove, wrapping her arms around their waist and kissing their cheek. 

“I’m a damn body guard, I once took out a 6 foot shredded guy with just a pen, I should be able to cook some fucking pasta!” Jamie exclaims, turning the stove down and leaning back into Bea.

“Oh yeah I remember that, that was hot.” Bea laughs. “Throw the pasta away Jamie, lets get takeaway tonight, I’m in the mood for a domino's, how about you?” At this, Jamie’s face lights up. 

“You know I would sell my soul for domino’s pizza, maybe I’ll give up my job so I don’t have to watch what I eat, and I can just stay home, eat pizza and love you all day.” Jamie says in a dreamy tone, turning to cup Bea’s face and kiss her on the lips. 

“You would go stir crazy sitting in here all day with nothing to do, you use to stay at the Palace even on days when you didn’t really need to be at work.” Bea points out. 

“Oh honey you think I was there for work? Love I was there because of you, I wanted to be around you as much as I could.” Jamie laughs, remembering how they would take every and any opportunity to be around Bea, but also how scared they were someone would realize that they were in love with The Princess, and they would get in serious trouble.

“June said that! And Nora and Pez, but I didn’t believe them!” Bea exclaims. “Maybe I should listen to them more.” Jamie chuckles and kisses Bea again. 

“You should get changed while I order our food, then tell me how you got on at the doctor’s.” At this, Bea pales a bit, she doesn’t want to interrupt this lovely moment by telling Jamie she’s infertile. 

“Um.” Bea bites her lip and looks down. “It wasn’t good.” Jamie frowns and pushes Bea’s hair back from her face. 

“What happened love?” They ask in a concerned tone. 

“Basically? My eggs are shite because of the coke, the doctor says chances of us conceiving with my eggs are pretty low, even if we do IVF, I’m pretty much infertile.” Jamie immediately pulls Bea in for a tight hug. 

“Oh my love.” They say in a soft tone, running a hand over her hair. “I am so sorry, we’ll work something out okay? We will, between the two of us, and one way or another we’re going to be parents.” Bea is so beyond grateful to have Jamie here, she really couldn’t love them more. Bea sniffs and nods. 

“Okay, I love you.” Jamie softly kisses her. 

“I love you too, now come lets have a shower, order some food and watch some crappy Hallmark movie to take our minds off all this.” 

*****2 YEARS LATER*****

It is a warm August night when Alex is pulled from his pleasant dreams, by someone shaking his shoulder.

“Whatever it is go ask your dad.” He groans, pulling the covers up over his head, assuming it’s one of the kids wanting something. 

“Can’t, he’s dead.” He hears a familiar English accent say in an amused tone. Alex gasp and pulls the covers off his head. 

“Henry you can’t say that!” He scolds, as his husband laughs. 

“I can and I will.” He says. 

“What do you want?!” Alex asks, wondering why his husband has woken him in the middle of the night. 

“Look at this!” Henry exclaims, shoving his phone at Alex, who has take a few seconds to adjust to the light before he can clearly see what’s going on.

On screen Henry has Instagram open, to Bea’s page specifically. The screen is showing her most recent picture. 

The picture is of thousands of syringes, empty tablet packets, empty pill bottles and little empty jars that look like they once held some sort of liquid medicine. They form the shape of a heart, and in the very center is a framed black and white image, that is instantly recognizable to Alex. The caption reads

‘ ** _After 2 years of heartache, countless shots and injections, hundreds upon hundreds of pills, ultrasounds, doctors visits and more, all our hard work has finally paid off. Baby Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor-Sutabuhr_ _coming January 2029.”_**

Meanwhile in London, Bea and Jamie are enjoying monitoring all the replies they get, most of them are full of love and kindness, and the nasty hateful ones don’t even get to them anymore. They’re finally going to have a baby and they don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks. 

As the day goes on they receive nothing but love and well wishes from their families, who are all thrilled for them and can hardly wait to meet the newest addition. 

*****5 MONTHS LATER*****

It is an icy, cold January evening in 2029, now just weeks before Bea’s due-date. She and Jamie are curled up together on the couch, watching _Love Actually_ for probably the billionth time. 

“Why Alan Rickman is only ever remembered for his role in Harry Potter and not this, I’ll never know.” Jamie sighs, their hand resting on Bea’s stomach where Bea put it a few minutes ago when the baby was kicking like crazy. 

“I met him once.” Bea casually says. 

“You did not!” Jamie exclaims in disbelief. 

“Did too, when I was.... 16 I think, yeah 16, dad was in a show on the West End with him, and got mum, Pip, Henry and me back stage passes for the show for Henry’s 13th birthday.” 

“What was he like?” Jamie eagerly asks. 

“Super nice, he asked Henry, Pip and I what we wanted to do after school and what are interests were and stuff, he was genuinely really interested in us and so nice, he was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.” Bea says in a fond, nostalgic tone. 

“So lucky.” Jamie sighs, pressing a kiss to Bea’s head before turning back to the movie. 

An hour into the movie, the slight twinges and pains Bea has been feeling all day, suddenly intensify. She can’t help but let out a cry of pain, leaning forward as the pain seems to tighten around her pelvis and radiate down into her hips. 

“Bea!” Jamie’s tone is full of alarm, sitting forward as Bea bows her head and lets out a groan of pain. “W-why did your stomach just go rock hard?” 

“Because I think I’m in labor.” 

Jamie quickly grabs Bea and the baby’s hospital bags and drives to St. Mary’s at breakneck speed, while Bea tries to handle her contractions, form the passenger seat. 

Once they get there the midwives are very kind and attentive, though unfortunately Bea still has quiet the way to go, being only 2cm. 

Bea’s labor is long and painful, as soon as possible she gets her epidural, though as she requested it is a lower dose one that leaves her able to move around, and not be stuck in the bed the whole time. 

She spends the next 25 hours in all kinds of different ways, swaying while holding onto Jamie, on her hands and knees on the bed, sitting, lying when she gets tired, even relaxing in the birthing pool for a bit.

When it comes time to push, she feels most comfortable sitting upright in the bed, Jamie by her side, holding her hand and soothing and encouraging her. 

Finally, after a total of 26 hours of labor, at 10:04 P.M. on the 10th of January 2029, Bea feels a weight lift from her and a loud, high pitched wail echos through the room. 

“Oh my god, oh thank fuck.” Bea sighs, resting back against the pillows. 

“Oh Bea, oh you did it! We have a boy!” Jamie exclaims in a teary tone of delight, as the midwife passes the baby up to Bea, settling him on her chest. 

“Oh.” Bea softly says, her breath catching in her throat when she sees her son for the first time. He’s such a beautiful mixture of her and Jamie, he has tanned brown skin like Jamie, and their eye shape, while he has a few wisps of dark drown hair like Bea, her nose and mouth and Jamie’s bone structure. “Hello.” Bea quietly says, pressing a kiss to her baby’s head. “Hi Matthew, my little Matthew Arthur, I love you so much.” 

Pretty early on in the pregnancy, she and Jamie had chosen two names, one for a boy and for a girl. Catherine Hope (Katie for short) for a girl, after Bea’s mother and Hope because that’s what the baby is, and Matthew Arthur for a boy, Matthew because it’s a name they both like and Arthur after Bea’s dad. 

“He’s so little.” Jamie says in a breathy tone, stroking Matthew’s little cheek. “I’m kinda worried I’m gonna break him, I’ve never handled something so delicate and tiny.” Bea laughs lightly and rests her head on Jamie’s shoulder. 

“Me too, I’m the one who has practically no motor skills, at least mum will be around to help for the first few weeks.” Bea says. Catherine had offered to come stay for a few weeks when the baby is born, to show Bea and Jamie the ropes and help out when she can, and the were more than happy to accept her offer, and grateful. They’re going to be way in over their heads, but Catherine will keep them calm, she always does. 

“I can’t believe the first baby I delivered is a Prince!” The young midwife laughs, taking off her blood smeared rubber gloves and tossing them in the bin. 

“He was your first delivery? You should have told us, that’s so exciting!” Bea exclaims. 

“We wouldn’t have been able to tell, you did an amazing job.” Jamie agrees, their arms around Bea and little Matthew. The midwife smiles brightly. 

“Thank you, it’s definitely one I’ll always remember.” 

Two days later, just hours before Bea and Matthew are set to be discharged, there’s a light knock on the door and Bea’s equerry, a woman a couple years older than her, named Audre Kimathi steps in.

“Sorry to interrupt M’am, but parliament wants to know if you are planning on making an official and public appearance on the steps on The Lindo this afternoon, before you head home, for the Young Prince’s first public appearance.” She calmly asks. This is not something Bea and Jamie discussed in much detail, Bea thought she would feel more conflicted about it, but holding her son right now she knows exactly what her answer is. 

“No.” Bea softly says, looking down at a sleeping Matthew. “No we won’t, he’s not going to have a public presence, he deserves privacy and a normal childhood. 

Actually, Audre, there’s something else I want to speak to you about.” 

“What is it M’am?” 

“I’m thinking of abdicating.” 


End file.
